MY CHUCKER IS A KEEPER

February 2003

Although my wife would refer to me (lovingly) as a "Pack Rat," I prefer "Keeper." "Chuckers", like she, will get rid of clothing ("junk") that has not been worn in six months (this makes it hard to keep maternity clothing around!). My old clothes become painting clothes, and then smocks for the kids and eventually, shop rags. In my youth, you had to keep at least one pair of worn-out sneakers for tubing down the river. Sooner or later, there's going to be a day when you are going to find a new use for that old thing. What Chuckers call Junk, I like to think of as "raw materials." This dichotomy has caused frequent angst in our marriage over the years.

I come by it honestly. My father was a keeper as well. No, we didn't have hubcaps or old appliances up on blocks in the yard. In fact, I will let you in on a little secret: a good keeper is also a good packer. My father knew how to tuck stuff away in places very neatly. When we were growing up, we had this large dry sink in our garage. I have not seen one anywhere else, nor do I know what you would possibly do with one (sounds like an oxymoron to me). This beast was a large cement box, about four feet long, two feet high and two feet deep. It was too heavy to move, so he used it for storage in a back corner of the garage. Keepers know how to pack raw materials inside raw materials to avoid having to chuck stuff.

A few winters ago, when my in-laws were visiting, my father-in-law (an accomplished Chucker) took to cleaning out my garage. I was hoping to be there during the process, but unfortunately missed out on the fun. Chuckers are deceptive in their chucking, often neglecting to tell the Keeper what raw materials they chucked out. You've got to watch their every move, or one day you will know just the thing that will take care of that problem, and not be able to find it because a Chucker chucked it a few years back. After he left, I found unopened bags of hardware, a sock and lego in the tank of the shop vac. This last item served as a valuable object lesson to my kids about the evils of Chucking.

Over the years I have become an accomplished packer as well. When it comes to packing, where there is a will, there is a way. I remember fondly laying out all of my possessions on the driveway that were to make the two-hour trip from home to college in the back of our Volare station wagon. Sheets, pillow, comforter, toiletries… then came the essential stuff like my guitar, backpack, stereo and (of course!) all of my albums (or as my daughter calls them, those "big black CDs"). I have a strong recollection of my father happening upon the mountain of collegiate opulence one fall, exclaiming: "this is bordering on proportions of ridiculum!" Then, as I headed off to the dictionary for an interpretation, he proceeded to carefully squeeze each item into and onto the van with an economy that would make even Ricardo Montalban proud. When he was done, that Keeper left no amount of Western abundance unpacked. To this day, it is a feat that set the standard against which all of my packing is measured.

When my father offered to help clean out my garage last year, I knew I could trust him while I was at work. True to form, he didn't throw out a single item; he only re-packed and stacked all of my raw materials to fit neatly on the shelves and under the workbenches. To give you an appreciation for his skill, we had three wooden chairs that were each broken in some respect (broken back, split seat, …) He disassembled each one and packed the parts into a cardboard box. Even the vehicles fit into the garage again. It brings a tear to my eye just thinking about it… and those chair parts are available for some future repair project, or even for kindling. You see, Keepers have options that Chuckers can only imagine.

Just last month I made a six-bike bicycle rack out of a piece of 2x10 construction lumber that someone has misplaced in the middle of the road five years ago. For years, everyone would ask me, "what are you going to do with that?!?" In fact, I was surprised it escaped my father-in-law's "scorched garage" campaign. Well, when you can organize all of your family's bikes without paying a single cent, you have every right to gloat in front of all of those Chuckers. That, perhaps, is the very best part of being a Keeper.

I must admit that Chuckers are puzzling to me. I've been married to one for fourteen years now, and I still don't understand what bur is under their saddle (or who put it there!). When left unchecked, they can get downright eccentric. There was one point when my wife would simply pick the freshly delivered newspaper up and toss it directly into the big garbage can. While I can see how it satisfied her deep desire to chuck, it would have been easier to simply cancel the subscription and throw money in the can each day. We now have a compromise that may work for you: she now "pre-chucks" the paper by laying it on top of the garbage can. I, then, have until garbage day to pull it back inside and read it. But if I get up for any reason, it quickly finds its way back outside.

Perhaps this issue causes tension in your home. Take heart. Just remember that while the Chucking spouse's value is immediately appreciated, the Keeper's value may take several years to bear fruit. I know that Chuckers have their place in life. With one look at all of my "zones" in the house, I have a pretty good idea of the mess our home would be in without my wife, the Chucker. That is just one reason why my Chucker is definitely a Keeper.

Brett Adams

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